human v1.2

I'm fascinated by the human body. We are remarkable machines (most of us), at once so complex and so simple. Carbon-based bags of bones, made mostly of water, held together by tissues and guts. Simple! Able to simultaneously break down food into energy and poop, turn oxygen into carbon dioxide, jump and run and swim. We remember and learn and emote and evolve, and all the while, without even thinking about it, our hearts keep a-pumping, our livers keep living, and our brains do whatever they want. That said, there are a few design flaws I've found in human being version 1.0, and I propose the following modifications and updates when the next updates are released.

Appendix. It has been suggested that there is some immunity function from this vestigial colonic appendage. But it often becomes crudely clogged and then infected, necessitating its removal. I propose either redesigning the wee thing so that it doesn't block so easily (perhaps a flush valve?), placing it elsewhere in the body (a more sanitary locale?) or losing the worm shaped poop pouch all together.

Sinuses and eustachian tubes - the openings are too small, the tubes run almost horizontal, fluid can't drain and we are left with a warm, moist cavity = petri dish. Introduce bacteria (tube, meet streptococcus!), and you've got yourself an infection. And then my baby is up all night, screaming and crying. And then my ears hurt. Fix this.

The spine. I'm fond of this structure, it certainly keeps me occupied, but the current design is better suited for walking on all fours than for upright posture. Since the majority of my patients are evolved enough to walk erect, perhaps this is why the majority of my patients also have back pain?

Adult female pelvis. Babies' heads. Might I recommend better size matching?

Spinal discs. I have a personal grudge with the designer of discs. Particularly with whoever who selected the jelly-like substance in the middle. While well suited for shock absorption, add force on to this anatomical jelly donut and witness the innards squeeze out. Onto your sciatic nerve. Four days before your wedding. Love hurts, indeed.

I could go on. Like how about fixing things like inherently weak arches (70% of us have 'flat feet') and unaccommodating eye lenses so I don't have to accessorize with such sexy accoutrements as orthotics and eyeglasses? Then again, some gentlemen dig nerdy ladies. I don't judge.

I just think that after billions of years, we are due for some updates to the human hardware. Or software... or should that be firmware? Cut me some slack, I'm still using my Commodore 64. Let's get on these Sapien improvements. Isn't there an app for that?

Chiropractor's Almanac

There is something in the air, and it is not just love...

I don't know why, but it has been BUSY in the clinic lately. Have all my patients conspired to get sore at the same time? Did you all get together to practice different ways of bending wrongly (is it just me, or does that word sound wrong?)? Was there a limbo party to which I wasn't invited? Has Twister made a comeback?

I'm happy to see you all... but what the hell is going on?!

I've noticed this before. The sudden influx of patients from time to time, all with similar complaints. I've been working on theories.

Theory 1 - a reason for every season
This theory is popular with patients. After every snowfall, I'm asked if I'm very busy these days, what with all the snow shoveling and slipping on ice. And yes, I do see more than a few injured shovellers, but do you know what happens when it is really, really, really cold and snowy out? People hibernate. Perhaps this is why I seem to treat more acute low backs in winter - if you're braving February cold to come in, you're gonna make sure you really need it.

Theory 2 - word of mouth
Say you came in with neck pain. And say I 'cured' said neck pain. You then tell your friends about the fabulous Dr. Fagen who fixed your neck pain, and they'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends, and so on, and so on... next thing you know, I'm up to my neck with neck patients.

Theory 3 - ancient chinese secret
When I studied acupuncture, I had the privilege of learning a bit of Chinese medicine theory. It is wonderfully complex and highly structured, and accounts for so many factors, including weather and seasons and energy and the universe. Each season correlates to a different meridian, which governs different organ systems and areas of the body. In the spring I often see shoulder and elbow problems. In the winter, stiffness and low back pain. These findings are explained well by Chinese medicine's 5 elements theory. Hey, a billion people can't be wrong...

Theory 4 - misremembering
Perhaps it is just me. Maybe I'm so eager to prove myself right, that when another acute neck patient shows up during an August heat wave I say A-HA!, but I don't think much of the same presentation any other time? It is possible, I have been wrong before. Once.

Theory 5 - conspiracy...
Who sent you in? Shoulder pain you say... what a coincidence. Why are you really here!!??

Theory 6 - Murphy's Law
The deluge of patients right before the Christmas holidays? The panicked calls in August, during peak vacation time? March break madness? If you've got somewhere important to be... stop in for an adjustment first!

The truth probably lies in the middle of this blog... (well except for the conspiracy theory part (unless you've got something to hide... in which case I'm on to you...)). We are more intimately connected to the earth and it's energies, weather and seasons included, than we realize. And our disconnections, like air conditioning and heating, affect us too, becoming part of our seasonal factors (not unusual for late summer stiff necks to be associated with sleeping under the air conditioner). Sports and activities affect us immensely, especially when we return after a hiatus. It's no wonder my hockey players all seem to ache in the preseason and my golfers will inevitably call me when the greens open. Stress certainly plays a part in pain, weakening the body to exacerbate an injury and making healing a longer ordeal.

Understanding your body means understanding your pain patterns. It is not unusual for an irregular patient (as in 'infrequent', not 'weird') to need treatment at the same time each year... spooky, no? We need to each know ourselves, to know what seasons are our hardest to navigate, to be body conscious when starting new sports and activities, to be able to identify the stresses and triggers to which we are vulnerable. And then prevent them from knocking us down - by stretching more/relaxing/seeking treatment/doing whatever gets you on your feet again.

The truth is out there. In the mean time, get your back treated, and help me with this most valuable research.

Happy Holidayses!

The end of one year, the beginning of another. It's a bit romantic, no? The sense of renewal, out with the old, in with the new. A fresh start, a new year and a new decade. Huzzah!

And yet, it's all a bit silly. The ceremony, the hangovers, the resolutions. Isn't it just another day, a notch in time? Should auld acquaintance really be forgot, and never brought to mind? Besides, I have a major grammar-related new year pet peeve, and it persists well past January 1st. Gung Hay Fat Choy indeed.

"Happy New Years!"

Or perhaps you mean "Happy New Year's!", which is equally irksome.

The extraneous 's'. Never before has anyone been driven to madness by a single letter, apostrophe or not. But there you have it. I'm small like that. And though I try to focus on the intent behind the greeting, the well wishes for an enjoyable year, I'm cringing inside.

WHY IS THIS PLURALIZED?

Perhaps the capricious s's serve to proffer happiness for the current year and all other years to come? Maybe the well-wisher is being culturally sensitive, accounting for such new yearses (!) as the Chinese New Year (happy 4707 everyone!) and Rosh Hashanna (happy 5770 everyone!). The Scots have a solution to this conundrum. Happy Hogmanay, everyone!

I realize that it is of very little import, but this blending of "New Year's Eve" and "Happy New Year" just gets my goat. I've even done it myself, asking "what did you do for New Year's?" Beginning the year with a dangling something-or-other is as inauspicious a start as any. Maybe I should resolve to be less pedantic, more gracious in the face of a pleasant greeting, but there you have it.

Have a wonderful twenty-ten, and in case I don't get the chance to say it in the future, Happy New Years!

Holiday Public Service Announcement

Call your chiropractor.

The holidays are coming up. You're going places! Down south to Kingston perhaps, or eastbound on the 401 to Kingston... just come see me before you go.

Maybe your only plans are to lounge around in PJs, watch Elf over and over again, and eat left over leftovers. Sounds perfect. Visit me first.

The holidays are hard. Too much time with family (there is a reason you moved out in the first place, is all I'm saying...), too much time driving from one partay to the next, too much shoveling, too much packing, too much snow, too much traffic, too much eating, too much shopping, too much schlepping, too much... just too much. Factor in your chiropractor's holiday office hours... spinal mayhem ensues. This is when I get your panicked phone calls on December 22... you put your back out - and you are leaving for Boca in two days! You can't move your neck - and you're on the way out the door to spend four days with your in-laws!

Book your appointment now. 416.482.1332 in case you forgot.

I will be away from the office from December 23rd, returning January 4th. Check the holiday schedule for details.

Consider yourself forewarned.
Call me!

... and have a wonderful, healthy, pain-free holiday!

Preventing Holiday Back Pain - Tips you can REALLY use...

Ah, Winter - the time when you are inundated with tips on 'how to prevent back pain over the holidays!'. Sure, you need to remember to bend with your knees and to stretch before and after you shovel, but how boring.

Here's how to really save your back this season.

1. Get good boots. And by good, I mean serious sh*t kickers... er... snow kickers. You want good traction, warm and waterproof boots that will keep you upright and out walking in the most inclement weather. Wearing shoes that aren't weather appropriate makes you do that puddle-jumping dance... you know, when you have to leap over snowbanks and puddles so you don't get wet? Just put on your Sorels and plow through that crap. You're Canadian. Deal with it.

2. Delegate. Shoveling hurts. Finally, I have the solution. Get someone else to do it! For those of you who don't have a minion hanging around to do your bidding, you're best to do the shoveling ASAP. Snow is easiest to move when it is light and fluffy, freshly laid. Wait for it to freeze or accumulate, and you're in trouble. Remember to shovel small amounts at a time, and to lift the load using your knees, not your back. Try not to twist when tossing the snow - better to throw it straight ahead. But if it's gonna hurt, beg or hire someone else to do it.

3. Holiday travel can leave you achy... instead, fly first class! It is so much more comfortable and glamorous! All that leg room, and if you're lucky you'll get a pod - why sit down when you can lay down? If you must fly economy (what, you don't want to pay quadruple the price?), remember to walk around from time to time, and ask the flight attendant for a pillow to put behind your low back. Actually, bring your own, since I've recently learned that some airlines have stopped providing those little pillows for free - and I want to know, what is this world coming to, when I have to pay $3 for a disposable pillow? I bet they get them for free in first class. I'm just saying...

4. Stay home. Embrace your inner scrooge. No standing in long lines at the mall for you! I rarely treat hermits, though whether this is due to their lack of pain or lack of leaving the house, I do not know.

5. Request gifts from your chiropractor's office. Seriously! Do you really need more stuff? No, you don't. You need massages. Most massage therapists offer gift certificates. Ours do. Less stuff, more massages. Baby Jesus would approve.

6. Minimalize. The trouble with putting up things, like trees and lights, is putting them up. All that reaching, it can hurt one's back. Don't get me wrong, I love my neighbour's inflatable illuminated Santa - classy!



But maybe, in the interest of spinal health, we should scale back?

Sure, I could remind you to stretch your hamstrings when sitting for long periods, take breaks during long car rides and if all else fails apply ice to any new injury, but I think the above 6 points are much more useful. But the best way to prevent back pain over your holiday this year?

7.

Take me with you!!

Quit your swining...

Hi! How are you? Are you going to get the H1N1 shot?

Lately, this is what passes for conversation. Never before have I used the words "shiraz" and "squalene" in the same sentence, but you asked what my weekend plans were...

Ah, vaccines. They kill us/save us, depending on who you ask. They are either the greatest example of medical advancement or proof of government conspiracy - pork barrel politics, if you will. I've heard the Illuminati are involved, but one can't be sure.

I have many conflicting emotions over this issue. I feel at once:

• concerned. I don't go looking for viruses just like I don't go looking for trouble. I avoid them like the plague! Sometimes, however, they find me, virus and trouble both. I'm concerned enough to keep hand sanitizer at the clinic front desk. I'm concerned enough that I wash my hands even more than normal, and then sometimes spray alcohol (rubbing, not schnapps) on them for good measure. I'm concerned enough that I've bookmarked this site, which tracks the number of deaths associated with H1N1 in Canada.

• skeptical. Did you click the link above? Uh...101? Out of 33,834,093 people? I am so sorry for each one of the victims and their families, but I wonder if we are exposed to more FEAR than virus?

• apathy. All the information and misinformation becomes jumbled in my brain, and then I remember that I do not currently have a flu, swine or not, and that to date, I don't think I've ever had a serious flu, of any combination of letters and numbers. I simply don't feel like I'm going to DIE from the FLU tomorrow, and so apathy sets in, and I admit I'm inclined to wait a bit, and see what happens.
  

• suspicion. Something's not kosher. Squalene in the vaccine... a few weeks of testing... deadly pandemic vs. mild flu variant... everyone either wants my money or my arm or my defiance.
  

• fear. I'm suddenly in the position of having to make a decision for another person. At 9 months old Oliver hasn't yet decided what he thinks of flus and vaccines and all things porcine. But he's awfully little, and I dislike the prospects of him facing such an intense virus and such an intense vaccine.

• phlegm. This isn't really an emotion per se, but Oliver and I have runny noses, and I'm loath to ask our bodies to fight an injected version of a virus (among other things) while we are currently fighting a virus. Give a body a break.

• ennui. Swine flu? H1N1 still? Isn't this soooo last spring? Can we get over this? Let's talk about something more current. Like the balloon boy.
  

• concern again. Sure, it's just a virus. But... it seems to be a fast virus. And an unpredictable virus. And a nasty virus. Fast, unpredictable and nasty, the kind a nice girl like me was told to stay away from.
  

So here we are. I'm still unsure of how my family will proceed, but we're formulating some plans. There are strong arguments on both sides of this issue, and I think in the long run we benefit by dispensing information and letting the individual decide what is best for themselves. Those who chose to vaccinate feel safe knowing that they are protected while contributing to 'herd immunity' (though the reference to 'herds' is a little touchy (incidentally, a herd of pigs is called a drove. Who knew?)). Those who decline the shot feel better about avoiding the less savoury vaccine ingredients (thimersol, squalene... yum!). We are all playing the numbers game, irrespective of which side we are on. And people aren't exactly dying in droves (catch that?).

Catch that?? The odds favour us, irrespective of what we do. Some people will have vaccine side effects. The vast majority will not. Some people will become seriously ill with H1N1. The vast majority will not.

The point is, we're going to be ok. Breathe. We. Are. Going. To. Be. OK. So make your decision using research and consideration and instinct, get on with your life, and quit swining about it!

Tick Talk

They say Time Heals All Wounds.

This prognosis makes me uneasy, both as a wordie (for lack of a better word) and a doctor, because a) I dislike cliches and 2) it's just a way of beating around the bush, no? Isn't this what we say when we don't know when a problem will go away, or even if? Romance gone awry, lingering injuries, problems big and small that we are powerless to mend. Just when you think you are out of options - don't despair! There is one thing you haven't tried - Time! And the good news? It has a 100% effectiveness rate!

Furthermore, there is absolutely nothing in the entire universe that I despise more than hyperbole. All wounds? Each and every one? I assume this extends beyond basic flesh wounds and lacerations, but to what end? Wounds in which salt has been rubbed? The walking wounded? A wounded heart? Does it matter if the heart was broken via love lost or arrhythmia? Dropsy? (Does anyone even get dropsy anymore?)

I say with confidence and authority that time most certainly does not heal all wounds. Like trepanation, reparative therapy and retail therapy, Time as a treatment modality is not guaranteed effective (though I once used retail therapy in the form of these shoes to cure a particularly stubborn cough*).And I wonder - are we ever fully healed from the things that affect us? My own back injuries have been treated and no longer impede me the way they once did, but I still bear the scar and my nerve will never be the same. Am I healed? Does being healed mean that all evidence is cleared? Or just that the symptoms are gone? We are remarkably markable, us humans. Our bodies remember. And if therapy and treatment and ice cream and love can't heal us, what makes us think that something so amorphous (and debatable!) as Time, will?

One of the most common things I hear in my office is "I thought it would go away". Or else the problem seemed to 'go away', but then came back, usually with a vengeance. This is the problem with waiting instead of treating; you risk making an acute and often simple problem into a chronic and complicated one. Scar tissue builds up, compensating muscles take over. Inflammation sets in, pain cycles develop. Sure, healing takes Time, but it also takes effort. And in my experience, waiting and seeing is rarely the best choice of (in)action. All chronic problems started out acute, and only worsened with Time. So much for its healing powers...

So what is it about Time that we have such faith in, anyway? And if it truly is such a miraculous healer, wouldn't someone besides Jim Croce have bottled it up and marketed the hell out of it?

(get it? Time in a bottle? I've been working on an ending for weeks... and all I can come up with is a 70s song reference. But the point stands - when injured, don't wait! Get treated!)



* results not typical