Wednesday, March 3, 2010

human v1.2

I'm fascinated by the human body. We are remarkable machines (most of us), at once so complex and so simple. Carbon-based bags of bones, made mostly of water, held together by tissues and guts. Simple! Able to simultaneously break down food into energy and poop, turn oxygen into carbon dioxide, jump and run and swim. We remember and learn and emote and evolve, and all the while, without even thinking about it, our hearts keep a-pumping, our livers keep living, and our brains do whatever they want. That said, there are a few design flaws I've found in human being version 1.0, and I propose the following modifications and updates when the next updates are released.

Appendix. It has been suggested that there is some immunity function from this vestigial colonic appendage. But it often becomes crudely clogged and then infected, necessitating its removal. I propose either redesigning the wee thing so that it doesn't block so easily (perhaps a flush valve?), placing it elsewhere in the body (a more sanitary locale?) or losing the worm shaped poop pouch all together.

Sinuses and eustachian tubes - the openings are too small, the tubes run almost horizontal, fluid can't drain and we are left with a warm, moist cavity = petri dish. Introduce bacteria (tube, meet streptococcus!), and you've got yourself an infection. And then my baby is up all night, screaming and crying. And then my ears hurt. Fix this.

The spine. I'm fond of this structure, it certainly keeps me occupied, but the current design is better suited for walking on all fours than for upright posture. Since the majority of my patients are evolved enough to walk erect, perhaps this is why the majority of my patients also have back pain?

Adult female pelvis. Babies' heads. Might I recommend better size matching?

Spinal discs. I have a personal grudge with the designer of discs. Particularly with whoever who selected the jelly-like substance in the middle. While well suited for shock absorption, add force on to this anatomical jelly donut and witness the innards squeeze out. Onto your sciatic nerve. Four days before your wedding. Love hurts, indeed.

I could go on. Like how about fixing things like inherently weak arches (70% of us have 'flat feet') and unaccommodating eye lenses so I don't have to accessorize with such sexy accoutrements as orthotics and eyeglasses? Then again, some gentlemen dig nerdy ladies. I don't judge.

I just think that after billions of years, we are due for some updates to the human hardware. Or software... or should that be firmware? Cut me some slack, I'm still using my Commodore 64. Let's get on these Sapien improvements. Isn't there an app for that?


  1. Hah - you're a good writer Michelle! Very funny.

    How did the macaroons go over? As a joke I totally put some flour in them. I kid, I KID!

  2. Actually, Michelle.

    The continuing malfunction(s) of our current "firmware" is due mainly to the lack of quality control in the developement stages.

    Only Toyota would belligerently put out a product this untested(and knowingly ill fated) and expect it to perform like Steve McQueen at the 24 hr Le Mans.

    Our rise to the "top of the heap"... of sorts... has taken an incredibly short amount of time in respect to all other evolving species known to us. Why??? Perhaps better asked...How??

    With malice aforethought, those that tinkered with the "then" simple Homonid were not concerned about product recalls...only results. And when there was still not enough progress being made the evolutionary accelerator was stepped on once again. (here a link, there a link, everyone missing a link)

    All of this, leaving the "now" Homo Sapien in a funk with absolutely mindboggling amazing biological processes performed every nanosecond...right alongside antediluvian left over parts that should have seen the blue box long ago. We simply cannot keep up to ourselves.

    Funny, how we self-model society after our own misgivings.