Does this Manifesto make my butt look big?

I went shopping for yoga pants the other day, at a certain overpriced and unnamed yoga pants emporium. And printed on their shopping bag, was the company Manifesto. While I appreciate their use of Lycra and respect their dedication to athletics, I am perplexed by their Manifesto. For starters, why does a clothing store need a Manifesto? And why does making fabulous pants that mold my rear in ways that yoga promised to but has not, make one an expert on life in general? Please understand, I need these pants, I LOVE these pants, among my wardrobe, these yoga pants shoulder stand alone. They are suitable for work and for work-out, and worth every one of the $10,000 pennies they cost. I'm sure the yoginis on the mountain tops will agree that they've, like, totally changed the sport of yoga, for sure.

But a Manifesto... really?

Quit playing philosopher. Nietzsche you ain't. Witness the following gems of wisdom I received, when all I wanted were well-fitting pants...:

"Breathe deeply and appreciate the moment. Living in the moment could be the meaning of life." Could be? A bit under-convincing, no? Hell, the pursuit of the perfect pair of comfortable but cute sandals could be the meaning of life. A manifesto should be definitive! I need answers!

"stress is related to 99% of all illness" While I don't doubt that stress negatively impacts the immune system and makes us vulnerable to illness, this is so obviously contrived. Besides, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.

"the pursuit of happiness is the source of all unhappiness" Seeking joy is the source of misery? How depressing.

"Take various vitamins. You never know what small mineral can eliminate the bottleneck to everlasting health" Now really. Various vitamins? This is not a prescription for health. For starters, the prevailing concept of 'vitamins are good, so more vitamins must be better' is false. In fact, some vitamins negatively interact with certain conditions or medications. Also, vitamins in synthetic form are not the same as their natural counterparts. In vivo (fancy for 'in the living') vitamins interact with each other and cofactors and other stuff that I should have paid more attention to in biochemistry, whereas in pill form... well, it is processed by definition, hence, inferior. I believe in using vitamins as medicine - when needed and as needed. This careless advice is foolish, and if your health is so 'bottlenecked', then perhaps you need more than 'one small mineral' to lead you to 'everlasting health'. Bollocks.

"Don’t trust that an old age pension will be sufficient" - you are an accountant too? What can't you do?

"Children are the orgasm of life. Just like you did not know what an orgasm was before you had one, nature does not let you know how great children are until you have them". What? *blush*. I... I just wanted yoga pants?! Orgasm? I... uh... do you have these pants in a size orgasm i mean size 6? Does the person who wrote this have kids? Because I vow to never, EVER, refer to my child that way. I just... oh my.

"Communication is COMPLICATED. We are all raised in a different family with slightly different definitions of every word. An agreement is an agreement only if each party knows the conditions for satisfaction and a time is set for satisfaction to occur." Well. My brain officially hurts. I don't think we each have different definitions for every word, that certainly would make communication as COMPLICATED as they find it, since words would cease to have meaning, and THAT'S WHAT DICTIONARIES ARE FOR YOU CAN'T JUST DEFINE WORDS HOWEVER YOU WANT, EVEN IF YOU'VE STRETCHED THE DEFINITION OF YOGA PANTS TO MEAN SEMI-FORMAL WEAR. Hence, I disagree with your manifesto and don't anticipate being satisfied at any time in the future.

An eco-friendly shopping bag is a powerful thing - it carries purchases and the meaning of life and lets me save the earth by shopping. But few, if any, of history's great manifestos were printed on a shopping bag, and this one... I'm not buying.